Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Continuing Saga of Jenn Versus Deer

So I've had this problem of deer coming into my yard and utilizing my plants as a sort of outdoor buffet line. Everything I plant gets eaten. Strawberries? Entire plants gone without a trace. Pine trees? They add those on the side as a garnish. Lately they've taken an interest in one of my apple trees, which is maybe six feet tall at the most. Last month the tree bore many beautiful white blooms which soon either fell off or ended up in some Bambi's stomach. Many leaves replaced the blooms, and one by one, they vanished. At first I thought that insects had done the leaves in, but closer inspection revealed that the entire ends of the branches had been snipped off by a deer's bicuspids. My eyes immediately turned a menacing shade of red, and in a singsong voice I bellowed, "I WILL HAVE VEN-GEAAAAAAAANCE!" Okay, maybe that last bit didn't happen, but you get the idea.

I thought about various ways in which I might get my revenge. I could have taken a mounted deer head and stabbed it onto a stake next to the tree to demonstrate what would happen if others of its kind sought to have a snack. I could have sat in silence behind the house with a 12-gauge shotgun waiting for the intruders to approach. I could have done many things, yet I did none of them, and that is where I made my mistake.

This morning I arose from bed and went into the kitchen, where I opened the blinds over the sink to gaze out upon the glorious new day. My eyes widened when they laid their gaze upon my precious apple tree. Something had snapped its central branch in half, and it dangled lifelessly like a useless limb, hanging on only by a bit of bark. A smaller branch also met the same fate--dangling. Useless. As I consumed my waffles, I brooded. What could I do? The tree would likely die because almost all of its leaves were gone. And I could not, would not, let that happen.

I went outside after the completion of my breakfast and inspected the tree. Yes, I decided, it could be saved. I returned to the house and found a roll of duct tape, which is my repair agent of choice. I cut off small pieces of the tape and secured the severed limbs back into place with the hope that they could grow back together.

Next I brought a shaker of chili powder outside and sprinkled it all over the remaining leaves and in a circle on the ground surrounding the tree. I also found the remnants of a bottle of deer repellant (it consists of garlic and putrefied egg whites) in the garage and sprayed what was left on and around the tree as well.

Now all I can do is sit and wait. With the way my luck goes, chili powder is probably a deer aphrodisiac and I've just made the worst mistake of my life.

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