You Know You've Been Reading Too Much Koontz When...

I have a confession to make. I am a Dean Koontz junkie. I have read approximately ten quintillion of his books--I swear there really are that many--and, after having read them, I noticed certain changes in myself. I am distrustful of strangers. I think that people follow me wherever I go. I start freaking out during thunderstorms because I think it's a sign of the apocalypse. I've begun to wear a toupee and Hawaiian shirts for kicks. (Just kidding about that last part.)

For lack of anything better to do, I decided to compile a list of signs that one has been reading too much Koontz.

Aaaaand action. (Warning: here be spoilers.)

1. You think that random people driving behind you are going to follow you home and shoot you.

2. You see a raccoon rooting around in your yard and fly into a blind panic.

3. You keep your blinds closed at all times so the rhesus monkeys can't peek in at you.

4. You think that everyone in California drives a Ford Explorer.

5. You're paranoid about being admitted to a hospital because you know that the doctors and nurses there are really just Soviet spies seeking to extract government secrets from you.

6. You know how to 'loid a lock.

7. You've tried to teach your Golden Retriever how to read.

8. You think that all of your memories have been implanted in your brain by corrupt government officials.

9. You think that the nanobots swimming in your blood stream are going to give you psychic mind-powers.

10. You've walked where the rain isn't.

11. You think that artists are sadistic serial killers.

12. You think that scientists are sadistic sociopaths.

13. You think that politicians are sadistic socialists.

14. You meet a kid named Curtis and automatically assume he's an alien.

15. You think that the ghost of Elvis hangs out with a clairvoyant kid in California.

16. You meet a girl named Stormy and immediately start praying for her safety and well-being, and advise that she wear a bullet-proof vest at all times.

17. You see a bolt of lightning and think Nazis are going to appear and come after you.

18. You really want to see a group of commando monks.

19. A child starts singing "Yes, Jesus Loves Me" and you completely freak out and lose control of your senses.

20. Aliens have landed in Nevada. You know this to be true.


I'll stop for now.

But he looks so innocent! How can he do this to our minds?